[Singing...] "No, I Don't Want No (Christian) Scrub?"

Remember the 90s? Ah yes. The 90s. The Golden Age of high-tops, windbreaker suits, baggy jeans, body glitter, fanny packs and jelly shoes.

Atrocious in retrospect? Very. But the 90s weren't all bad. They brought us Friends, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, the cloning of Dolly the sheep, the Pentium chip and the iMac. They also brought a wave of new pop-stars (Britney Spears, The Spice Girls) and hit songs - one of which was the fav female anthem, "No Scrubs," written by Kandi Burruss (Xscape, Real Housewives of Atlanta) and sung by the famed 90s female singing group TLC.

Guys, you know the song, and how do I know you know it? Because every female sang it loud and proud, sounding it throughout the streets like the new national anthem. Why? Simple. It made us feel free. Free to tell you by way of a catchy hit song that if you were still living at home, riding in the passenger side of your friend's car, yet trying to holler at us, there was something wrong with you. The problem was that we had struggled for so long to come up with the right term to describe you. Thanks to the lyrical genius of Kandi B., we got it: scrub.

As an unsaved girl in the 90s, I found that scrubs were everywhere. They were in my school, at the mall, in the movie theater and the amusement park (most were hanging outside of the movie theater and amusement park because they couldn't afford to actually get in.) When I got saved, however, I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that my scrub-filled days were finally over. I entered the church, sat on the pew, turned to my right, and beheld (gasp!) - a scrub.

Furthermore, he was not alone. There were scrubs all over the place. I mean, it would have been okay if it had just been a few (Hey - we all have to start somewhere.) But no. Scrubs had taken over my church, and from what my female friends were telling me, they were taking over churches throughout the United States (I can only hope this pandemic is not worldwide!)

What exactly makes a Christian scrub? Basically, the same thing that makes a non-Christian scrub, except that Christian scrubs are saved. In other words, Christian scrubs profess Christ (some just barely) but have no job, little to no income, live at home, don't pay rent and can't support themselves or the family they might one day want to have. Yet they continue to ask women out.

Why is this even a problem, you ask? Why can't Christian women just follow the school of thought that says a guy doesn't have to have a lot of money, as long as he loves them and God? In response to that I say, "The devil is a liar" (followed by a brief but powerful monologue in tongues.)

That method of thinking is neither practical nor biblical. I mean, let's keep it real - relationships and marriages cost money. Guys have to pay for dates (and please, please don't fool yourself into thinking we're dating if you're not actually taking me out on a date!), and husbands have to pay for food, mortgages, car payments, schooling and other family needs.

Now why do I say "husbands" and not "husbands and wives?" Well, call me old-fashioned, but I believe it is primarily the man's responsibility to support his mate. Consequently, a man shouldn't try to look for a mate until he has sufficient means of providing for her. Don't like this framework, guys? Don't kill the messenger. God's the One that set the standard for you. In the words of singer/songwriter Donald Lawrence, "Let's get back to Eden."

When God made man, he set him up in a luxurious, self-sustaining garden and made him the king of his domain (Genesis 2:15). Then in obedience to God man took control of all his assets (Genesis 2:19). Only once this process was complete did God bless man with a helper, someone to assist him in caring for the things with which God had entrusted him (Genesis 2:20-24).

That said, guys, follow in the footsteps of your forefather Adam: co-labor with God to build and take control of your living. Set up for yourself a wonderful abode of luxury and true communion with God. Then, when all is said and done, you can find the woman of your dreams to partner with you and enjoy this luscious "Eden" at your side.

Guys, if you're still not sure if you are a "Christian scrub," check the list below. Hopefully, it will help you avoid being the subject of a potential "No Scrubs" gospel remake!

Top 10 Ways to Identify a "Christian Scrub"

1. He attends weekly prayer meetings every fourth week because it's the only week his mom is free to drive him to church.

2. He's the head of the usher club by day and in the club with Usher by night.

3. He thinks that putting rips in his jeans makes him "holy."

4. He volunteers for the transportation ministry so he can pick up his dates with the church bus.

5.His favorite Sunday is "Women's Sunday" - since most of the other men stay home, he feels like his odds of hooking up are increased.

6. His idea of a financial plan is "Jesus paid it all."

7. He does more "preying" in church than "praying."

8. He thinks "standing in the gap" is something you do when you're shopping for a new pair of chinos.

9. He only invites his friend to church because he needs a "wing man."

10. His tithe is 10% of his allowance.

Her Butt Says "Juicy"...

"It's not my fault! Her 'ta-tas' were in my face!" my friend insisted. I scowled at him indignantly. I couldn't believe it! I mean, this kind of behavior was understandable in an unsaved guy, but he was a Christian for goodness' sake! As we walked away, he yanked on my arm. "There! Over there! That's her," he urged and directed my attention to a girl on my right. I turned to look, and lo and behold: Her "ta-tas" - as he'd so elegantly described them - were staring me straight in the face! The girl's too-small tank top sported a v-neck so low that it strained to keep from spilling out breasts undoubtedly somewhere between a double-D and a triple-X. Horrified, I could do no more than stare, as my friend threw me a look that said, So who's the victim now?

As Christians we're often quick to caution men, especially, against lust. However, when all things are considered, how much of their behavior is really their fault? Can we blame a man for staring at a female's "juicy" behind when in bold letters across her backside is literally the word "Juicy?" It is no mystery that when it comes to attraction men are more visually enticed. How much of a responsibility then - if any at all - should a woman assume in causing a man to lust?

When it comes down to the dirt, every person is responsible for his own thoughts and actions (2 Corinthians 5:10.) However, we each have some responsibility for one another as well (2 Corinthians 6:3.) The apostle Peter admonishes women that our beauty should not be merely external but a matter of attitude as well as spirit; for those qualities are what please the Lord (1 Peter 3:3-4.) The idea, however, is not that we shouldn't look visually appealing but that our physical beauty should not be all our worth.

In other words, I'm not saying that women should look like "Frumpy-Francine!" By all means, ladies, put on some makeup! Do your hair! If we know that men are attracted by physical beauty, then of course, it makes sense to present ourselves in a way that is physically appealing. However, as with anything, there must be limitations. Sporting a cute dress that compliments our eyes is great! Flaunting a skirt that reveals our "Goodness and Mercies," as a friend of mine puts it, is not!

Keep in mind: "Beautiful" is a very different concept from "sexy." "Beautiful" can refer to anything that delights the senses, in other words, anything that appeals to the sight and also the mind. "Sexy," on the other hand, relates to anything that explicitly causes sexual thoughts. As women of God, we should always aim for beauty. "Sexy," however, is something that we should reserve for our husbands. After all, we should only want to inspire sexual thoughts in our marriage partner and no one else!

If you are unsure whether or not you are "Boasting Beauty" or "Licensing Lust," take the quiz below. Hopefully, it will help you better ensure that you rightly portray the beautiful woman of God that you are!

Quiz

1. You notice in the mirror just before you leave the house that in natural light your skirt is somewhat see-through. You...

a. ...run back upstairs and change. You have other, more appropriate skirts in your wardrobe that are just as fabulous.

b. ...make up your mind to walk with your legs close together. That way you'll be less exposed and your thighs will get a good workout in the process. Besides, it'll get darker soon anyway.

c. ...ignore it and head out the door. Whoever looks will look - it's not your problem if they're nasty!

2. You're out shopping and you find a fabulous dress! Only, when you try it on, you notice the "V" at the front drops kind of low. You...

a. ...put the dress back and search for another one that's less revealing but equally glam.

b. ...buy the dress and vow to remember to put a pin in it.

c. ...buy the dress and wear it as is - Eat your heart out, Beyonce!

3. You're busy greeting people in church, looking fly as ever, but as you turn around, your friend discloses that your panty-lines are showing. You...

a. ...borrow your friend's cardigan and jokingly thank her for helping you stay "cute" but "saved!"

b. ...dip, dodge and duck to keep your back facing away from the congregation as much as possible. Just because the preacher says "All rise" doesn't mean you have to!

c. ...ignore her and strut your stuff. After all, "Ms. Holier-than-thou" is always hatin' on you. Besides, you didn't buy that jeweled thong for nothing!

Quiz results

Mostly A's: "Boasting Beautiful!" - Congrats! You know how to be fly and fabulous without flaunting all your personal goods. Keep it up, you beautiful woman of God!

Mostly B's: "Sending Sexy Signals!" - Beware! Though you exert some effort to monitor your look, you need to be more purposeful about shunning the "sexy" and embracing the "beautiful." Here's a new wardrobe rule for you to live by: If in doubt, throw it out!

Mostly C's: "Licensing Lust" - 911! Your wardrobe has fled the realm of the "Fabulous" and entered the sphere of the "Floozy!" Beware that your outfits don't entice others to lust! If you aim for modesty, you'll give your inner beauty more room to shine!

*If you have any comments or stories to share, feel free to contact Crystal at confessionsofabav@yahoo.com. Also, look out for her upcoming book release Confessions of a Born-again Virgin fall/winter 2010. God bless you!

Dear Sex...

...Please stop stalking me! I see you following me in the streets in billboards and in posters. You show up in my favorite movies, magazine ads and commercials. You pop up on my computer screen and send me suggestive emails. Yes, we had something before, but please understand, "It's over!" It's not you - it's me. I'm different now. I'm a new creation. It's not that we can never be. It's just that we can't be right now. One day, however, when I'm married, I'll look you up. Until then, please don't call.

Yours truly,

A B.A.V.