What Love Isn't...

"Hey, how come he hasn't called you in two weeks?"

"He just knows I'm not one of those needy girls. He doesn't have to call me every day for me to know he cares."

"Well, every day, no. But for two weeks? And if he cares so much, why is he always talking to other girls?"

"Look, he may talk to other girls, but I'm the one he comes home to."

"Didn't he cheat on you a couple of times though?"

"Yeah, but he still loves me."

Pause. Like me, you've probably heard this kind of conversation before. You may have been person #1, or you may have been person #2. Me - I've been both.

As crazy as it sounds now, I, too, once believed that - despite the days passed without communication, his apathy toward me, his nonchalant view of our relationship, and his willingness to have sex without commitment - he still loved me. Thankfully, I have come to understand what love really is. Still, I can't help but wonder if things might have been different had I known what love isn't.

In John 10:4-5 Jesus says, "Sheep follow [the shepherd] because they know his voice. A stranger they simply will not follow, but flee..." Now, here's the funny thing about sheep: They're not the smartest creatures. Oblivious and naive, they will wander recklessly about if not carefully led. Yet to their credit even they know enough to run from a voice they do not recognize.

We, too, like dim-witted sheep, can become reckless in our affection. We wander dangerously down the path of a destructive relationship if not guided by the voice of true love. So, rather than flood your minds with tips and tricks to tell if someone really loves you, I'm going to help you see what true love isn't. Then if you find yourself on a relationship path where love is not leading, perhaps you will have enough sense (like sheep) to run!

Love is not hurtful.

Hurtful behavior in a relationship can exist in the form of physical, emotional or verbal abuse. Physical abuse happens when a partner causes harm to your body out of anger, frustration, insecurity or a desire to gain control. Emotional abuse occurs when a partner continuously and purposefully says or does things to make you feel inferior, worthless or humiliated. Verbal abuse, a form of emotional abuse, can include yelling, name-calling and "shaming" (making people feel unnecessarily guilty for their actions.) If the person you are in a relationship with is displaying any of these types of abusive behavior toward you, he or she does not truly love you.

(For more information on abuse, visit these sites:

http://www.familyresource.com/relationships/abuse-and-violence

http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects_htm)

Love is not selfish.

What to watch, what to eat, where to go, when to leave - some people always have to have it their way. Keep this in mind, however: You are not Burger King. In a relationship, no one should have it his or her way all the time. A relationship is not a one-way street. If the person you are with is constantly thinking only about fulfilling his or her own needs and has little or no regard for yours, then that person does not truly love you.

Love is not passive.

I've said it before: If in a relationship you find yourself moving closer toward death than you are toward marriage, it's time to move on. When someone really loves you, he or she will not tarry decades in the realm of "it's complicated" while stringing you along like a lovesick marionette. Instead, that person will commit to you and will do it in a reasonable amount of time.

Love is not vengeful.

As far as I'm aware, a relationship is not a tennis match. No one is keeping score - at least no one should be. Let's face it: No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, and the same is true in a relationship. However, to go "tit-for-tat" with your partner for every mistake made is not only tedious, it's insane. If you find yourself continuously returning "hits" with your partner, you may want to put down your racquet and walk away. This is probably one match that won't end with love.

Love is not happy with doing wrong.

Honestly, it is very difficult to enjoy a healthy relationship in jail. I mean, there are time restraints, very little privacy, and the gray of the cell walls does little to inspire amour. If your partner knowingly engages you in unlawful activity, chances are that he or she does not love you. This includes asking you to lie to the police, file an illegal tax return, manage his weed-selling operation or shoplift from the 7-Eleven. It also includes having premarital sex. (Gasp! No, she didn't!) Uh-huh. Yes, I did.

The fact is, premarital sex goes against God's law, whether it's 2011 or a millennium from now. If the person you are with is perfectly content breaking the law - God's law included - and does not discourage you from breaking it too, then he or she does not really love you.

For more information on true love, check out "The Love Letter" at http://agapeepistle.blogspot.com/.