[Singing...] "No, I Don't Want No (Christian) Scrub?"

Remember the 90s? Ah yes. The 90s. The Golden Age of high-tops, windbreaker suits, baggy jeans, body glitter, fanny packs and jelly shoes.

Atrocious in retrospect? Very. But the 90s weren't all bad. They brought us Friends, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, the cloning of Dolly the sheep, the Pentium chip and the iMac. They also brought a wave of new pop-stars (Britney Spears, The Spice Girls) and hit songs - one of which was the fav female anthem, "No Scrubs," written by Kandi Burruss (Xscape, Real Housewives of Atlanta) and sung by the famed 90s female singing group TLC.

Guys, you know the song, and how do I know you know it? Because every female sang it loud and proud, sounding it throughout the streets like the new national anthem. Why? Simple. It made us feel free. Free to tell you by way of a catchy hit song that if you were still living at home, riding in the passenger side of your friend's car, yet trying to holler at us, there was something wrong with you. The problem was that we had struggled for so long to come up with the right term to describe you. Thanks to the lyrical genius of Kandi B., we got it: scrub.

As an unsaved girl in the 90s, I found that scrubs were everywhere. They were in my school, at the mall, in the movie theater and the amusement park (most were hanging outside of the movie theater and amusement park because they couldn't afford to actually get in.) When I got saved, however, I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that my scrub-filled days were finally over. I entered the church, sat on the pew, turned to my right, and beheld (gasp!) - a scrub.

Furthermore, he was not alone. There were scrubs all over the place. I mean, it would have been okay if it had just been a few (Hey - we all have to start somewhere.) But no. Scrubs had taken over my church, and from what my female friends were telling me, they were taking over churches throughout the United States (I can only hope this pandemic is not worldwide!)

What exactly makes a Christian scrub? Basically, the same thing that makes a non-Christian scrub, except that Christian scrubs are saved. In other words, Christian scrubs profess Christ (some just barely) but have no job, little to no income, live at home, don't pay rent and can't support themselves or the family they might one day want to have. Yet they continue to ask women out.

Why is this even a problem, you ask? Why can't Christian women just follow the school of thought that says a guy doesn't have to have a lot of money, as long as he loves them and God? In response to that I say, "The devil is a liar" (followed by a brief but powerful monologue in tongues.)

That method of thinking is neither practical nor biblical. I mean, let's keep it real - relationships and marriages cost money. Guys have to pay for dates (and please, please don't fool yourself into thinking we're dating if you're not actually taking me out on a date!), and husbands have to pay for food, mortgages, car payments, schooling and other family needs.

Now why do I say "husbands" and not "husbands and wives?" Well, call me old-fashioned, but I believe it is primarily the man's responsibility to support his mate. Consequently, a man shouldn't try to look for a mate until he has sufficient means of providing for her. Don't like this framework, guys? Don't kill the messenger. God's the One that set the standard for you. In the words of singer/songwriter Donald Lawrence, "Let's get back to Eden."

When God made man, he set him up in a luxurious, self-sustaining garden and made him the king of his domain (Genesis 2:15). Then in obedience to God man took control of all his assets (Genesis 2:19). Only once this process was complete did God bless man with a helper, someone to assist him in caring for the things with which God had entrusted him (Genesis 2:20-24).

That said, guys, follow in the footsteps of your forefather Adam: co-labor with God to build and take control of your living. Set up for yourself a wonderful abode of luxury and true communion with God. Then, when all is said and done, you can find the woman of your dreams to partner with you and enjoy this luscious "Eden" at your side.

Guys, if you're still not sure if you are a "Christian scrub," check the list below. Hopefully, it will help you avoid being the subject of a potential "No Scrubs" gospel remake!

Top 10 Ways to Identify a "Christian Scrub"

1. He attends weekly prayer meetings every fourth week because it's the only week his mom is free to drive him to church.

2. He's the head of the usher club by day and in the club with Usher by night.

3. He thinks that putting rips in his jeans makes him "holy."

4. He volunteers for the transportation ministry so he can pick up his dates with the church bus.

5.His favorite Sunday is "Women's Sunday" - since most of the other men stay home, he feels like his odds of hooking up are increased.

6. His idea of a financial plan is "Jesus paid it all."

7. He does more "preying" in church than "praying."

8. He thinks "standing in the gap" is something you do when you're shopping for a new pair of chinos.

9. He only invites his friend to church because he needs a "wing man."

10. His tithe is 10% of his allowance.