What Love Isn't...

"Hey, how come he hasn't called you in two weeks?"

"He just knows I'm not one of those needy girls. He doesn't have to call me every day for me to know he cares."

"Well, every day, no. But for two weeks? And if he cares so much, why is he always talking to other girls?"

"Look, he may talk to other girls, but I'm the one he comes home to."

"Didn't he cheat on you a couple of times though?"

"Yeah, but he still loves me."

Pause. Like me, you've probably heard this kind of conversation before. You may have been person #1, or you may have been person #2. Me - I've been both.

As crazy as it sounds now, I, too, once believed that - despite the days passed without communication, his apathy toward me, his nonchalant view of our relationship, and his willingness to have sex without commitment - he still loved me. Thankfully, I have come to understand what love really is. Still, I can't help but wonder if things might have been different had I known what love isn't.

In John 10:4-5 Jesus says, "Sheep follow [the shepherd] because they know his voice. A stranger they simply will not follow, but flee..." Now, here's the funny thing about sheep: They're not the smartest creatures. Oblivious and naive, they will wander recklessly about if not carefully led. Yet to their credit even they know enough to run from a voice they do not recognize.

We, too, like dim-witted sheep, can become reckless in our affection. We wander dangerously down the path of a destructive relationship if not guided by the voice of true love. So, rather than flood your minds with tips and tricks to tell if someone really loves you, I'm going to help you see what true love isn't. Then if you find yourself on a relationship path where love is not leading, perhaps you will have enough sense (like sheep) to run!

Love is not hurtful.

Hurtful behavior in a relationship can exist in the form of physical, emotional or verbal abuse. Physical abuse happens when a partner causes harm to your body out of anger, frustration, insecurity or a desire to gain control. Emotional abuse occurs when a partner continuously and purposefully says or does things to make you feel inferior, worthless or humiliated. Verbal abuse, a form of emotional abuse, can include yelling, name-calling and "shaming" (making people feel unnecessarily guilty for their actions.) If the person you are in a relationship with is displaying any of these types of abusive behavior toward you, he or she does not truly love you.

(For more information on abuse, visit these sites:

http://www.familyresource.com/relationships/abuse-and-violence

http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects_htm)

Love is not selfish.

What to watch, what to eat, where to go, when to leave - some people always have to have it their way. Keep this in mind, however: You are not Burger King. In a relationship, no one should have it his or her way all the time. A relationship is not a one-way street. If the person you are with is constantly thinking only about fulfilling his or her own needs and has little or no regard for yours, then that person does not truly love you.

Love is not passive.

I've said it before: If in a relationship you find yourself moving closer toward death than you are toward marriage, it's time to move on. When someone really loves you, he or she will not tarry decades in the realm of "it's complicated" while stringing you along like a lovesick marionette. Instead, that person will commit to you and will do it in a reasonable amount of time.

Love is not vengeful.

As far as I'm aware, a relationship is not a tennis match. No one is keeping score - at least no one should be. Let's face it: No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, and the same is true in a relationship. However, to go "tit-for-tat" with your partner for every mistake made is not only tedious, it's insane. If you find yourself continuously returning "hits" with your partner, you may want to put down your racquet and walk away. This is probably one match that won't end with love.

Love is not happy with doing wrong.

Honestly, it is very difficult to enjoy a healthy relationship in jail. I mean, there are time restraints, very little privacy, and the gray of the cell walls does little to inspire amour. If your partner knowingly engages you in unlawful activity, chances are that he or she does not love you. This includes asking you to lie to the police, file an illegal tax return, manage his weed-selling operation or shoplift from the 7-Eleven. It also includes having premarital sex. (Gasp! No, she didn't!) Uh-huh. Yes, I did.

The fact is, premarital sex goes against God's law, whether it's 2011 or a millennium from now. If the person you are with is perfectly content breaking the law - God's law included - and does not discourage you from breaking it too, then he or she does not really love you.

For more information on true love, check out "The Love Letter" at http://agapeepistle.blogspot.com/.

The Dating Game

Instruction for How to Play:

Step 1.

Take a good look at your circumstances - If you are broke, broken-hearted, and/or out to "break" someone else, DO NOT attempt this game. You are NOT eligible to play.

Step 2.

Create a list of "non-negotiables" (e.g. faith, marriage, kids, spousal roles, etc.) If someone does not meet these N.N.s, DO NOT date them. You will lose the game.

Step 3.

Do NOT simultaneously play more than one game, and do NOT play with more than one piece. This is cheating. If caught, you will be disqualified, and no one will want to play with you again.

Step 4.

Play the game with your heart and your head. Do NOT play the game with your "va-jay jay" (women) or your other "head" (men). Physical attraction is the easy part. Players who use this as their main strategy often find themselves prematurely "out." Go instead for mental stimulation and a spiritual match. This will guarantee you a longer run and a potential victory!

[Hint: Players who team up with God always win!]

[Singing...] "No, I Don't Want No (Christian) Scrub?"

Remember the 90s? Ah yes. The 90s. The Golden Age of high-tops, windbreaker suits, baggy jeans, body glitter, fanny packs and jelly shoes.

Atrocious in retrospect? Very. But the 90s weren't all bad. They brought us Friends, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, the cloning of Dolly the sheep, the Pentium chip and the iMac. They also brought a wave of new pop-stars (Britney Spears, The Spice Girls) and hit songs - one of which was the fav female anthem, "No Scrubs," written by Kandi Burruss (Xscape, Real Housewives of Atlanta) and sung by the famed 90s female singing group TLC.

Guys, you know the song, and how do I know you know it? Because every female sang it loud and proud, sounding it throughout the streets like the new national anthem. Why? Simple. It made us feel free. Free to tell you by way of a catchy hit song that if you were still living at home, riding in the passenger side of your friend's car, yet trying to holler at us, there was something wrong with you. The problem was that we had struggled for so long to come up with the right term to describe you. Thanks to the lyrical genius of Kandi B., we got it: scrub.

As an unsaved girl in the 90s, I found that scrubs were everywhere. They were in my school, at the mall, in the movie theater and the amusement park (most were hanging outside of the movie theater and amusement park because they couldn't afford to actually get in.) When I got saved, however, I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that my scrub-filled days were finally over. I entered the church, sat on the pew, turned to my right, and beheld (gasp!) - a scrub.

Furthermore, he was not alone. There were scrubs all over the place. I mean, it would have been okay if it had just been a few (Hey - we all have to start somewhere.) But no. Scrubs had taken over my church, and from what my female friends were telling me, they were taking over churches throughout the United States (I can only hope this pandemic is not worldwide!)

What exactly makes a Christian scrub? Basically, the same thing that makes a non-Christian scrub, except that Christian scrubs are saved. In other words, Christian scrubs profess Christ (some just barely) but have no job, little to no income, live at home, don't pay rent and can't support themselves or the family they might one day want to have. Yet they continue to ask women out.

Why is this even a problem, you ask? Why can't Christian women just follow the school of thought that says a guy doesn't have to have a lot of money, as long as he loves them and God? In response to that I say, "The devil is a liar" (followed by a brief but powerful monologue in tongues.)

That method of thinking is neither practical nor biblical. I mean, let's keep it real - relationships and marriages cost money. Guys have to pay for dates (and please, please don't fool yourself into thinking we're dating if you're not actually taking me out on a date!), and husbands have to pay for food, mortgages, car payments, schooling and other family needs.

Now why do I say "husbands" and not "husbands and wives?" Well, call me old-fashioned, but I believe it is primarily the man's responsibility to support his mate. Consequently, a man shouldn't try to look for a mate until he has sufficient means of providing for her. Don't like this framework, guys? Don't kill the messenger. God's the One that set the standard for you. In the words of singer/songwriter Donald Lawrence, "Let's get back to Eden."

When God made man, he set him up in a luxurious, self-sustaining garden and made him the king of his domain (Genesis 2:15). Then in obedience to God man took control of all his assets (Genesis 2:19). Only once this process was complete did God bless man with a helper, someone to assist him in caring for the things with which God had entrusted him (Genesis 2:20-24).

That said, guys, follow in the footsteps of your forefather Adam: co-labor with God to build and take control of your living. Set up for yourself a wonderful abode of luxury and true communion with God. Then, when all is said and done, you can find the woman of your dreams to partner with you and enjoy this luscious "Eden" at your side.

Guys, if you're still not sure if you are a "Christian scrub," check the list below. Hopefully, it will help you avoid being the subject of a potential "No Scrubs" gospel remake!

Top 10 Ways to Identify a "Christian Scrub"

1. He attends weekly prayer meetings every fourth week because it's the only week his mom is free to drive him to church.

2. He's the head of the usher club by day and in the club with Usher by night.

3. He thinks that putting rips in his jeans makes him "holy."

4. He volunteers for the transportation ministry so he can pick up his dates with the church bus.

5.His favorite Sunday is "Women's Sunday" - since most of the other men stay home, he feels like his odds of hooking up are increased.

6. His idea of a financial plan is "Jesus paid it all."

7. He does more "preying" in church than "praying."

8. He thinks "standing in the gap" is something you do when you're shopping for a new pair of chinos.

9. He only invites his friend to church because he needs a "wing man."

10. His tithe is 10% of his allowance.