What Love Isn't...

"Hey, how come he hasn't called you in two weeks?"

"He just knows I'm not one of those needy girls. He doesn't have to call me every day for me to know he cares."

"Well, every day, no. But for two weeks? And if he cares so much, why is he always talking to other girls?"

"Look, he may talk to other girls, but I'm the one he comes home to."

"Didn't he cheat on you a couple of times though?"

"Yeah, but he still loves me."

Pause. Like me, you've probably heard this kind of conversation before. You may have been person #1, or you may have been person #2. Me - I've been both.

As crazy as it sounds now, I, too, once believed that - despite the days passed without communication, his apathy toward me, his nonchalant view of our relationship, and his willingness to have sex without commitment - he still loved me. Thankfully, I have come to understand what love really is. Still, I can't help but wonder if things might have been different had I known what love isn't.

In John 10:4-5 Jesus says, "Sheep follow [the shepherd] because they know his voice. A stranger they simply will not follow, but flee..." Now, here's the funny thing about sheep: They're not the smartest creatures. Oblivious and naive, they will wander recklessly about if not carefully led. Yet to their credit even they know enough to run from a voice they do not recognize.

We, too, like dim-witted sheep, can become reckless in our affection. We wander dangerously down the path of a destructive relationship if not guided by the voice of true love. So, rather than flood your minds with tips and tricks to tell if someone really loves you, I'm going to help you see what true love isn't. Then if you find yourself on a relationship path where love is not leading, perhaps you will have enough sense (like sheep) to run!

Love is not hurtful.

Hurtful behavior in a relationship can exist in the form of physical, emotional or verbal abuse. Physical abuse happens when a partner causes harm to your body out of anger, frustration, insecurity or a desire to gain control. Emotional abuse occurs when a partner continuously and purposefully says or does things to make you feel inferior, worthless or humiliated. Verbal abuse, a form of emotional abuse, can include yelling, name-calling and "shaming" (making people feel unnecessarily guilty for their actions.) If the person you are in a relationship with is displaying any of these types of abusive behavior toward you, he or she does not truly love you.

(For more information on abuse, visit these sites:

http://www.familyresource.com/relationships/abuse-and-violence

http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects_htm)

Love is not selfish.

What to watch, what to eat, where to go, when to leave - some people always have to have it their way. Keep this in mind, however: You are not Burger King. In a relationship, no one should have it his or her way all the time. A relationship is not a one-way street. If the person you are with is constantly thinking only about fulfilling his or her own needs and has little or no regard for yours, then that person does not truly love you.

Love is not passive.

I've said it before: If in a relationship you find yourself moving closer toward death than you are toward marriage, it's time to move on. When someone really loves you, he or she will not tarry decades in the realm of "it's complicated" while stringing you along like a lovesick marionette. Instead, that person will commit to you and will do it in a reasonable amount of time.

Love is not vengeful.

As far as I'm aware, a relationship is not a tennis match. No one is keeping score - at least no one should be. Let's face it: No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, and the same is true in a relationship. However, to go "tit-for-tat" with your partner for every mistake made is not only tedious, it's insane. If you find yourself continuously returning "hits" with your partner, you may want to put down your racquet and walk away. This is probably one match that won't end with love.

Love is not happy with doing wrong.

Honestly, it is very difficult to enjoy a healthy relationship in jail. I mean, there are time restraints, very little privacy, and the gray of the cell walls does little to inspire amour. If your partner knowingly engages you in unlawful activity, chances are that he or she does not love you. This includes asking you to lie to the police, file an illegal tax return, manage his weed-selling operation or shoplift from the 7-Eleven. It also includes having premarital sex. (Gasp! No, she didn't!) Uh-huh. Yes, I did.

The fact is, premarital sex goes against God's law, whether it's 2011 or a millennium from now. If the person you are with is perfectly content breaking the law - God's law included - and does not discourage you from breaking it too, then he or she does not really love you.

For more information on true love, check out "The Love Letter" at http://agapeepistle.blogspot.com/.

The Dating Game

Instruction for How to Play:

Step 1.

Take a good look at your circumstances - If you are broke, broken-hearted, and/or out to "break" someone else, DO NOT attempt this game. You are NOT eligible to play.

Step 2.

Create a list of "non-negotiables" (e.g. faith, marriage, kids, spousal roles, etc.) If someone does not meet these N.N.s, DO NOT date them. You will lose the game.

Step 3.

Do NOT simultaneously play more than one game, and do NOT play with more than one piece. This is cheating. If caught, you will be disqualified, and no one will want to play with you again.

Step 4.

Play the game with your heart and your head. Do NOT play the game with your "va-jay jay" (women) or your other "head" (men). Physical attraction is the easy part. Players who use this as their main strategy often find themselves prematurely "out." Go instead for mental stimulation and a spiritual match. This will guarantee you a longer run and a potential victory!

[Hint: Players who team up with God always win!]

[Singing...] "No, I Don't Want No (Christian) Scrub?"

Remember the 90s? Ah yes. The 90s. The Golden Age of high-tops, windbreaker suits, baggy jeans, body glitter, fanny packs and jelly shoes.

Atrocious in retrospect? Very. But the 90s weren't all bad. They brought us Friends, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, the cloning of Dolly the sheep, the Pentium chip and the iMac. They also brought a wave of new pop-stars (Britney Spears, The Spice Girls) and hit songs - one of which was the fav female anthem, "No Scrubs," written by Kandi Burruss (Xscape, Real Housewives of Atlanta) and sung by the famed 90s female singing group TLC.

Guys, you know the song, and how do I know you know it? Because every female sang it loud and proud, sounding it throughout the streets like the new national anthem. Why? Simple. It made us feel free. Free to tell you by way of a catchy hit song that if you were still living at home, riding in the passenger side of your friend's car, yet trying to holler at us, there was something wrong with you. The problem was that we had struggled for so long to come up with the right term to describe you. Thanks to the lyrical genius of Kandi B., we got it: scrub.

As an unsaved girl in the 90s, I found that scrubs were everywhere. They were in my school, at the mall, in the movie theater and the amusement park (most were hanging outside of the movie theater and amusement park because they couldn't afford to actually get in.) When I got saved, however, I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that my scrub-filled days were finally over. I entered the church, sat on the pew, turned to my right, and beheld (gasp!) - a scrub.

Furthermore, he was not alone. There were scrubs all over the place. I mean, it would have been okay if it had just been a few (Hey - we all have to start somewhere.) But no. Scrubs had taken over my church, and from what my female friends were telling me, they were taking over churches throughout the United States (I can only hope this pandemic is not worldwide!)

What exactly makes a Christian scrub? Basically, the same thing that makes a non-Christian scrub, except that Christian scrubs are saved. In other words, Christian scrubs profess Christ (some just barely) but have no job, little to no income, live at home, don't pay rent and can't support themselves or the family they might one day want to have. Yet they continue to ask women out.

Why is this even a problem, you ask? Why can't Christian women just follow the school of thought that says a guy doesn't have to have a lot of money, as long as he loves them and God? In response to that I say, "The devil is a liar" (followed by a brief but powerful monologue in tongues.)

That method of thinking is neither practical nor biblical. I mean, let's keep it real - relationships and marriages cost money. Guys have to pay for dates (and please, please don't fool yourself into thinking we're dating if you're not actually taking me out on a date!), and husbands have to pay for food, mortgages, car payments, schooling and other family needs.

Now why do I say "husbands" and not "husbands and wives?" Well, call me old-fashioned, but I believe it is primarily the man's responsibility to support his mate. Consequently, a man shouldn't try to look for a mate until he has sufficient means of providing for her. Don't like this framework, guys? Don't kill the messenger. God's the One that set the standard for you. In the words of singer/songwriter Donald Lawrence, "Let's get back to Eden."

When God made man, he set him up in a luxurious, self-sustaining garden and made him the king of his domain (Genesis 2:15). Then in obedience to God man took control of all his assets (Genesis 2:19). Only once this process was complete did God bless man with a helper, someone to assist him in caring for the things with which God had entrusted him (Genesis 2:20-24).

That said, guys, follow in the footsteps of your forefather Adam: co-labor with God to build and take control of your living. Set up for yourself a wonderful abode of luxury and true communion with God. Then, when all is said and done, you can find the woman of your dreams to partner with you and enjoy this luscious "Eden" at your side.

Guys, if you're still not sure if you are a "Christian scrub," check the list below. Hopefully, it will help you avoid being the subject of a potential "No Scrubs" gospel remake!

Top 10 Ways to Identify a "Christian Scrub"

1. He attends weekly prayer meetings every fourth week because it's the only week his mom is free to drive him to church.

2. He's the head of the usher club by day and in the club with Usher by night.

3. He thinks that putting rips in his jeans makes him "holy."

4. He volunteers for the transportation ministry so he can pick up his dates with the church bus.

5.His favorite Sunday is "Women's Sunday" - since most of the other men stay home, he feels like his odds of hooking up are increased.

6. His idea of a financial plan is "Jesus paid it all."

7. He does more "preying" in church than "praying."

8. He thinks "standing in the gap" is something you do when you're shopping for a new pair of chinos.

9. He only invites his friend to church because he needs a "wing man."

10. His tithe is 10% of his allowance.

Her Butt Says "Juicy"...

"It's not my fault! Her 'ta-tas' were in my face!" my friend insisted. I scowled at him indignantly. I couldn't believe it! I mean, this kind of behavior was understandable in an unsaved guy, but he was a Christian for goodness' sake! As we walked away, he yanked on my arm. "There! Over there! That's her," he urged and directed my attention to a girl on my right. I turned to look, and lo and behold: Her "ta-tas" - as he'd so elegantly described them - were staring me straight in the face! The girl's too-small tank top sported a v-neck so low that it strained to keep from spilling out breasts undoubtedly somewhere between a double-D and a triple-X. Horrified, I could do no more than stare, as my friend threw me a look that said, So who's the victim now?

As Christians we're often quick to caution men, especially, against lust. However, when all things are considered, how much of their behavior is really their fault? Can we blame a man for staring at a female's "juicy" behind when in bold letters across her backside is literally the word "Juicy?" It is no mystery that when it comes to attraction men are more visually enticed. How much of a responsibility then - if any at all - should a woman assume in causing a man to lust?

When it comes down to the dirt, every person is responsible for his own thoughts and actions (2 Corinthians 5:10.) However, we each have some responsibility for one another as well (2 Corinthians 6:3.) The apostle Peter admonishes women that our beauty should not be merely external but a matter of attitude as well as spirit; for those qualities are what please the Lord (1 Peter 3:3-4.) The idea, however, is not that we shouldn't look visually appealing but that our physical beauty should not be all our worth.

In other words, I'm not saying that women should look like "Frumpy-Francine!" By all means, ladies, put on some makeup! Do your hair! If we know that men are attracted by physical beauty, then of course, it makes sense to present ourselves in a way that is physically appealing. However, as with anything, there must be limitations. Sporting a cute dress that compliments our eyes is great! Flaunting a skirt that reveals our "Goodness and Mercies," as a friend of mine puts it, is not!

Keep in mind: "Beautiful" is a very different concept from "sexy." "Beautiful" can refer to anything that delights the senses, in other words, anything that appeals to the sight and also the mind. "Sexy," on the other hand, relates to anything that explicitly causes sexual thoughts. As women of God, we should always aim for beauty. "Sexy," however, is something that we should reserve for our husbands. After all, we should only want to inspire sexual thoughts in our marriage partner and no one else!

If you are unsure whether or not you are "Boasting Beauty" or "Licensing Lust," take the quiz below. Hopefully, it will help you better ensure that you rightly portray the beautiful woman of God that you are!

Quiz

1. You notice in the mirror just before you leave the house that in natural light your skirt is somewhat see-through. You...

a. ...run back upstairs and change. You have other, more appropriate skirts in your wardrobe that are just as fabulous.

b. ...make up your mind to walk with your legs close together. That way you'll be less exposed and your thighs will get a good workout in the process. Besides, it'll get darker soon anyway.

c. ...ignore it and head out the door. Whoever looks will look - it's not your problem if they're nasty!

2. You're out shopping and you find a fabulous dress! Only, when you try it on, you notice the "V" at the front drops kind of low. You...

a. ...put the dress back and search for another one that's less revealing but equally glam.

b. ...buy the dress and vow to remember to put a pin in it.

c. ...buy the dress and wear it as is - Eat your heart out, Beyonce!

3. You're busy greeting people in church, looking fly as ever, but as you turn around, your friend discloses that your panty-lines are showing. You...

a. ...borrow your friend's cardigan and jokingly thank her for helping you stay "cute" but "saved!"

b. ...dip, dodge and duck to keep your back facing away from the congregation as much as possible. Just because the preacher says "All rise" doesn't mean you have to!

c. ...ignore her and strut your stuff. After all, "Ms. Holier-than-thou" is always hatin' on you. Besides, you didn't buy that jeweled thong for nothing!

Quiz results

Mostly A's: "Boasting Beautiful!" - Congrats! You know how to be fly and fabulous without flaunting all your personal goods. Keep it up, you beautiful woman of God!

Mostly B's: "Sending Sexy Signals!" - Beware! Though you exert some effort to monitor your look, you need to be more purposeful about shunning the "sexy" and embracing the "beautiful." Here's a new wardrobe rule for you to live by: If in doubt, throw it out!

Mostly C's: "Licensing Lust" - 911! Your wardrobe has fled the realm of the "Fabulous" and entered the sphere of the "Floozy!" Beware that your outfits don't entice others to lust! If you aim for modesty, you'll give your inner beauty more room to shine!

*If you have any comments or stories to share, feel free to contact Crystal at confessionsofabav@yahoo.com. Also, look out for her upcoming book release Confessions of a Born-again Virgin fall/winter 2010. God bless you!

Dear Sex...

...Please stop stalking me! I see you following me in the streets in billboards and in posters. You show up in my favorite movies, magazine ads and commercials. You pop up on my computer screen and send me suggestive emails. Yes, we had something before, but please understand, "It's over!" It's not you - it's me. I'm different now. I'm a new creation. It's not that we can never be. It's just that we can't be right now. One day, however, when I'm married, I'll look you up. Until then, please don't call.

Yours truly,

A B.A.V.

Face-Off With Failure

Fellow BAVs, are you feeling down because you've messed up? Fallen back into sexual sin? Given into lustful thoughts? Don't give up! We've all been there before! However, one (or even more than one) mistake doesn't mean you can't still succeed. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and try again. Don't let failure get the best of you! Follow these steps, and "face-off" with your failure today! You will gain the victory! 1. Admit Your Failure and Identify Your Mistake! As well-known evangelist and pastor Paula White often says, "You can't conquer what you don't confront, and you can't confront what you don't identify." I've always wondered, after reading 1 John 1:9, why it is that we have to confess our sins before God can be faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Then the Holy Spirit showed me the error of my thinking. It is not that God's faithfulness and justice depend on whether or not we admit our wrongdoing. God is intrinsically faithful and just regardless of what we do (2 Timothy 2:13.) Our admission of our sins is strictly for our own benefit. By identifying what exactly we do wrong, we make ourselves more apt to recognize the nature of the sin and avoid it in the future. Think of it this way: not admitting your sins is like walking around in the dark without a flashlight. If something gets in your way and you can't identify it, you will trip over it over and over again. However, when you confess your sin, it's like shining a spotlight on that object. Then you will be able to identify the object, where exactly it was when it caused you to fall, and purposefully walk around it. When God asks us to confess our sins, it is really a bonus to our forgiveness. Not only does God release us of wrongdoing, He helps us become less likely to commit the same sin. 2. Forgive, Forget and Let Go! Funny - I've never seen a verse in the Bible that says God will give the biggest mansion in heaven to the person who holds onto the memory of their sin the longest. I've also never seen God reward someone for carrying the biggest guilt trip. Rather, in 1 John 1:9 I get the image of us as Christians bringing our dirty sins before God, then God taking our sins from us and casting them into the "sea of forgetfulness." Then I see Him wiping off any excess dirt on us that might remain and sending us off to do His will, spotless and burden-free. Now imagine with me for a moment just how deep the sea of forgetfulness must be for God to forget about our sins. Now imagine yourself diving into the depths of that cold and frigid sea, pulling up your sins and handing them to God, saying, "You forgot this!" Crazy right? Yet that's what we do anytime we hold onto the sins we've committed when God Himself has let them go. The best thing we can do when we fall in sin is pick ourselves up and keep moving. The last thing we want to do is stand and stare at the thing that made us fall until everything else around us becomes invisible. What we focus on will determine our vision. Try this experiment: With a quarter in hand, go outside one night and look at the moon. We all know that in actuality it is physically impossible for a quarter to cover the moon. However, hold that quarter right up in front of your eye. What happens? The quarter covers the moon! How does this happen? We focus so closely on that quarter that the image of the moon, though significantly larger than the quarter, has become obscured from our vision. Focus determines visibility. If you focus on your sins, larger matters, such as God's forgiveness and his ultimate plan of victory for your life will become obscured. Then it will become impossible for you to move forward because you will not be able to see the path in front of you for the sin impeding your sight. This is why the apostle Paul says in Philippians 3:14,"forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward calling of God in Christ Jesus" (NASB). If we do not forget what is in our past, we cannot move toward our future, and in our future lies the ultimate revelation of the prize of our salvation in the glory of Christ Jesus. When you accept God's forgiveness and let go of your past, you expand your vision and enable yourself to move forward, unhindered, in the broad scope of the future that God has for you. 3. Exchange "Condemnation" for "Conviction!" What's the main difference between "condemnation" and "conviction?" Direction. Condemnation causes us to run away from God in fear while conviction makes us run to God in love. Conviction is the inward nudging of the Holy Spirit that makes us aware of our sins but reminds us of God's desire to make us right. Condemnation is the sense that God is waiting to judge us harshly for our wrong. However, Jesus told his disciples in John 3:17-18 that he did not come into the world to condemn the world but to save it because, as a result of Adam's sin, the world is already condemned. Furthermore, the Bible in Romans 8:1 clearly states, "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Wait just a minute! You mean that as a Christian when I sin, I don't have to feel condemned? NO WAY! Why in the world should you feel something that you are not? That's a clear sign of sickness! When it's 90 degrees outside and you feel cold, it means that you are ill. Perhaps you may have a fever, or maybe you might be anemic. Either way, something within you is not right. The same is true when we feel condemned. It is an indication that something about our thinking is not right because condemnation is not of God. Though Satan is the accuser of the brethren (Revelation 12:10), it is futile employment because as Christians, when God forgives our sins, He neither remembers them nor condemns us for them. If we embrace this truth, then we will be able to walk free of condemnation. Acknowledge your failure, embrace the Holy Spirit's conviction and accept God's forgiveness. If you follow these three steps, you will triumph in your face-off with failure. Piece of cake really - God designed you to win!

The Ex-Factor...

So here you are - years later, and you've finally moved on. That guy/girl is history. You've left the pain of the past behind you. You're feeling fine and ready to press forward. Then you get that phone call/voice mail/email/text message/tweet/Facebook poke from "you-know-who," and in an instant, your oh-so-perfect-world is a steaming hot mess! Your strong sense of self has turned into mush, and the realization dawns that perhaps you haven't quite moved on. It's the "ex-factor," and almost all of us can relate. How do you know when you've really gotten over someone? How do you know when it's time to move on? Here are some suggestions from my own experience. Some of them may seem obvious, but hey! - There's a reason they say that "love is blind!" You Know You've Gotten Over Someone When... 1. You don't call (or want to call) him twice a day, everyday. 2. You don't think or daydream about her 24/7 (or any fraction close to that.) 3. You don't bring up his name repeatedly in conversation for no apparent reason at all. (Example - Friend: "I'm going to have a piece of cake." You: "You know, Johnny likes cake...") 4. You don't pray this prayer anymore: "God, if it's Your Will, please let this be..." 5. You can see her with someone else and not wish Psalm 139:19 upon her (or the person she's with!) You Know It's Time to Move On When... 1. The person is with someone else. (Seriously. This should be obvious, but Lord, I'm a witness!) 2. The person is married. (Please see above.) 3. You've been with the person for more than 5 years, but he or she can't imagine marrying you. [Or...you could wait 5 more years. Maybe they'll change their mind...(roll eyes)] 4. The person has moved and neglected to tell you where they've gone. (Subtle hint? I think not.) 5. You were told that the person unfortunately passed away, but then you run into them unexpectedly in a supermarket a few years later. (Enough said!) Seriously, guys! Trust me, girls! God has something fabulous in store for you! You deserve God's best, so wait for God's best. Don't settle for "Mr./Mrs. All Right for Right Now!" If someone is not meant for you, it does not mean that something is wrong with you. It means that person is not meant for you! Drop the "X," and make room for the other letters in your relationship alphabet! You'll be glad when you do!

"You're a What?...A Born-Again Virgin?"

The Face: "Yeah," I respond. "Oh, wow! That's cool!" they say, but then they give me "The Face." "The Face" is the name I give to an expression that would suggest someone is really feeling what you have to say except for the slightly awkward positioning of the bottom lip, the noticeably higher lift of one eyebrow, and the tendency to hold the entire expression just a little too long. In any case, what they're really thinking is a lot less like, "That's cool," and something more along the lines of, "I knew she was a bit off." It's okay. I don't hold it against them. It's not that most people can't wrap their minds around the concept of born-again virginity. Many just don't know what it is. So in an effort to spare you the inevitable need for Botox injections from giving me "The Face," I'm going to attempt to explain to you just what born-again virgins (B.A.V.s) are. What Are B.A.V.s?: B.A.V.s are people who have lost their virginity but have decided, after accepting Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior (i.e. being "born-again"), to remain abstinent until marriage. By "remaining abstinent" I mean abstaining from sexual intercourse and various levels of sexual activity. By "various levels of sexual activity," I mean things like extreme kissing, heavy petting, "dry-humping" (please don't make me explain that one), and other activities that are usually precursors to sex. The Logistics: Born-again virginity does not refer to regaining your physical status as a virgin. As a B.A.V., your hymen* (the membrane that blocks the entrance to the vagina in most virgins) does not grow back. Believe me, as delirious of an idea as it may sound, I've actually had some people ask me that. I know that we sometimes sweetly call the vagina a "flower;" however, there are no magical seeds that will make the vagina's hymen sprout again. Once you lose your virginity, you can never (naturally or physically) get it back. There are some who go to the extreme and get a replacement hymen surgically inserted into their vagina. However, apart from that procedure, the hymen will not return. The concept of born-again virginity is more of a spiritual one. It refers to a decision made with the help of the Holy Spirit to honor God by consecrating your body. *Also, I mention the breaking of the hymen because for women the loss of our virginity is a more marked process than it is for men. In most cases when we have sex for the first time, a part of our body is physically broken as we are "entered" by the man. This demonstrates that we have broken our physical covenant with God and entered into a new physical covenant with our husband. However, even without the marked physical evidence, men are still as accountable for entering and keeping that covenant relationship as women. When that covenant is entered outside of marriage, the man is held just as liable in the eyes of God. Why Become A B.A.V.?: The Bible lets us know that sex is to be reserved for ultimate enjoyment within a marriage. In other words, if you are married, I wish you lots of fantastic sex (provided that it's with your spouse, of course!) However, if you are not married, then sex is not for you. Hebrews 13:4 says, "Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge." "Fornicators" is a fancy word for people who engage in consensual sex outside of marriage. If you are fornicating, or willingly having sex outside of a marriage covenant, you are going against God's will for your life. But It's So Hard!... I know!!! And in a wonderful and perfect world, we would all just do what God says the first time around and live happily ever after. But come on! If Adam and Eve threw Paradise away for a delicious piece of fruit, could you really imagine having 100% compliance with something as tantalizing as sex? However, God is a forgiving God, and He says that "if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things [are] passed away; behold, new things have come." This means that when we accept Jesus Christ, we become new. We no longer do the things we used to do. Having sex outside of marriage is one of these things. It's not enough for us to say, "Well, God knows that I'm imperfect and that I have no choice but to sin," or "I messed up too many times already. I may as well just keep doing it." Once you're in Christ, you can get it right! Understand, I'm not saying that you can erase what you've done. What I am saying is that God can erase what you've done. I know it can be hard to refrain from having sex (believe me, sex is everywhere!) But with God all things are possible, and rest assured that the everlasting benefits of obeying God's command will far exceed the momentary pleasures of going against it!